What is grief and loss?

Grief is a natural response to loss when a loved one or something cherished is taken away. The emotional pain resulting from this loss can be devastating, with overwhelming emotions, like shock, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. It disturbs one’s physical and mental health, making it extremely difficult to eat, sleep, focus, or think straight. Grief is unique and different for everyone, with no specific time frame.

Types

Anticipatory Grief

It starts long before a significant loss has occurred. For instance, a terminally ill loved one, an ageing pet, or upcoming retirement. In such scenarios, one may start grieving their loss way before it has occurred.

Disenfranchised Grief

It occurs when a loss isn't openly acknowledged or valued. Some may downplay the significance of losing a pet, friend, or job, dismissing them as unworthy of grief. It can also manifest when the connection with the departed isn't recognized as major loss. Grieving for a coworker, classmate, or neighbor might be deemed inappropriate by some.

Chronic Grief

Experiencing loss can manifest in various ways, including feeling hopeless, denying that the loss is real, and avoiding situations that might remind someone of their loss. Those suffering with chronic grief may encounter intrusive thoughts that, if left untreated, can escalate into serious conditions like depression, self-harm, and substance abuse.

Complicated Grief

This experience usually occurs from the death of a loved one, leaving the individual in a state of sadness where it’s difficult to accept the loss. One may search for them in tight spaces, feel an intense longing, or think that life is not worth living. One may engage in self-harming behaviour, intense guilt, and violent outbursts.

Absent Grief

This happens when an individual does not recognize the loss and show no signs of grief. It can be due to a complete shock or disbelief at the loss. This can be alarming if one experiences it for a longer period.

Collective Grief

A significant number of individuals, such as an entire country, city, or specific societal segment, can collectively undergo this emotional phenomenon. Examples include the shared grief experienced in response to a pandemic, natural disaster, or the passing of a public figure.

Signs

Mind

MIND

Trouble thinking/mental confusion
Daydreams or flashbacks backs of the incident/lost one
Helplessness
Feeling hopeless about life, thinking it is not worth living without the loved one
Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem

Body

BODY

Changes in appetite: Loss of hunger
Weight fluctuations
Changes in sleep pattern: Unable to fall asleep/Insomnia or sleeping excessively
Aches and pains without any obvious physical reason
Constantly feeling tired/Fatigue

Heart

HEART

Feeling low
Intense sadness
Irritability and agitation
Feeling shocked & emotionally numb
Feeling hollow inside
Feeling lonely and detached from others
Guilt
Fear

Action

ACTION

Crying spells
Trouble speaking properly
Loss of interest in sexual activity
Increased intake of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs
Not going to places one usually enjoyed
Isolating or cutting off from others
Difficulty in carrying out normal routine

Causes

The following losses can cause grief:

Death: The death of a loved one is one of the most stressful events in life that can cause a severe emotional crisis. Despite understanding the certainty of death, rarely anyone is equipped to deal with the pain that follows the loss of someone dear to us.

Death of a pet: Losing a pet is traumatic for many pet owners who share a close bond with their furry friends. The bonds formed with pets are often more meaningful than those with other human beings.

Separation: The end of a friendship, familial bond, or romantic relationship can be a painful experience. The permanent loss of such meaningful connections, particularly those with deep emotional ties, can leave a deep sense of emptiness. The absence of these relationships may leave one dealing with a sense of loss, struggling to navigate life without the important connections that once provided comfort and support.

Life events: Grief is often caused by stressful experiences. It can arise from different areas of one’s life, such as financial problems, loss of a job, health issues, miscarriage, divorce, loss of a personal dream, etc.

Childhood Experience: Grief can also result from past experiences of neglect, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, and unstable family relations in childhood.

Psychological conditions: Grief can be linked to psychological issues such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, addiction, etc.

Myths and Facts

How to help self?

Following are some of the ways that you can make use of to help yourself

Blaming oneself or others: During challenging times, self-blame can prevent mental rest, with thoughts like ‘I should have been there’ and ‘If I acted faster, she’d be alive’ looping relentlessly. This guilt cycle harms health and relationships. Grieving can be exhausting, so it’s important to prioritize your physical health during such a tough phase.

Say ‘No’ to a Timeline: There’s no set time for grief; it’s personal. You don’t have to justify your feelings or submit to societal expectations. While there might be pressure to move on, prioritize your own well-being. It’s acceptable to embrace moments of sorrow; self-care matters.

Ways to remember your loved one: After a loss, individuals often avoid activities associated with their loved one due to the intense pain. As time passes, this pain lessens to a dull ache, creating an opportunity for personal remembrance through small gestures. Start with actions that feel comfortable, and it’s acceptable to decline if they don’t agree with you.
Talk about your special one instead of pushing the memories away. Find comfort in talking about ‘What is your favourite memory of the person?’ or ‘The moments when this person/loved one made you laugh.’

Do something that brings you joy: Give yourself a chance to do something new. Engaging your mind and body can help you deal with your grief. You can choose something you have always wanted to try or something that excites you. Try to include these in your daily routine and create time for it. This will enable you to stick to it.
Tip: Keep the activity small and doable within a realistic time frame.

Journaling: Journaling is recording your emotions, thoughts, or ideas in a diary. It can be an outlet for your grief and help declutter your mind.
There is no right or wrong way to write in a journal. There are a few points you can keep in mind while doing it:
List your feelings, what you want, what you think, and your unmet expectations.
Use this to let out the unwanted thoughts constantly bothering you.
Set a time window for yourself to write for a few minutes daily.
When you have no one to share your innermost feelings with, you can always share them in your journal.

Logging in your experiences can help you notice the things that didn’t work for you throughout the month or week. Journaling helps release pent-up emotions, regain control, and improve mental well-being.

Staying connected: Maintaining connections with important people is crucial. This support network fosters mental engagement, a sense of belonging, and reduces feelings of isolation. Expressing yourself when comfortable provides relief, promoting emotional well-being. Privacy is respected, and openness is encouraged when you feel it is right for you.
Note: Explore professional help when you feel overwhelmed with this feeling and can’t cope any longer. This will help to process the intense emotions and bring the situation under control.

How to help others?

You can support and reach out to your loved ones (friends or family members) by taking these small steps:

Things to ‘Say’ or ‘Ask’ to a grieving person:
I am here to listen
It’s okay to feel these things.
I am going to run some errands/markets. What can I bring for you?
When can I get you some food/help you with some work?
Have you thought about doing……?
You may try….

Showing up without trying not to explain the loss: Checking up on them through calls or texts or even visiting them will reassure them they are not alone. It is wise not to suggest what your loved one should or shouldn’t do. Saying the following things is not helpful:-
‘He/she is in a better place/a better world’,
‘Be happy, at least they are not suffering anymore’,
‘These things are not in our hand, he/she was destined this way’,
‘I know how you feel’.
It will make them think that you are not understanding them or do not feel the intensity of their loss.

Listen: Simply listening can be helpful for them to share, vent, and feel lighter. Be there for your loved one and let them do the talking. Sit and silently listen to the stories of their loss. If they find it difficult to open up, reassure them that you are there to listen whenever they are ready.
Instead of ———Try Saying:
Instead of “You’ll be fine”, you could say, “I understand.”
Instead of “You should”, you could say, “What makes you feel supported?”
Instead of “It’s okay”, you could say, “I am listening.”
Instead of “I went through …”, you could say, “Tell me more.”
Instead of “How are you?” you could say, “What made you smile today?”

Sit in silence with them: Grief leads to intense emotions, causing the need for moments of silence to get back control. Witnessing a loved one deal with unbearable emotional pain is challenging, yet silence can be supportive. It grants them the opportunity to gather thoughts and recollect. Embrace the power of quietness; sitting beside them without words may offer more healing than you imagine.

Offer comfort: During this time, your loved one needs to feel supported and not criticized or blamed. Showing compassion by giving a hug, holding a hand or putting your arm around them, or saying things like ‘I am sorry for your loss’ can help the person to feel better. If you find them avoiding social interaction, try to include them in social events without overwhelming them. Balancing inclusion with sensitivity is key to supporting their well-being.

Offer Practical Support: It often becomes difficult for grieving individuals to ask for help or reach out. They might neglect their daily chores or work as these can overwhelm them. They may also need more energy or motivation to call or message when they need something. During these times, you can help them with specific tasks of the day. These little acts of help can be of great comfort to your loved one.

You can offer to help in the following ways:
Running errands or shopping for groceries
Dropping off some cooked meals
Taking over a chore for the day
Accompanying them to appointments
Reminding to take medicines on time
Accompany them on a walk
Looking after their children/pets at home
Connect them with activities they enjoy